I HATE MONDAYS: 'CHRISTMAS'

I never sat on Santa's lap before. I never believed in him. I was told that he never gave me presents, not because I was a bad boy, but because I lived in a council flat, and council flats have no chimneys.

It wouldn't make sense to even tell my children about Santa clause, when all he appeared to be, was an ambiguous character, eventually fleshed out by the cruel hands of advertising agencies. We wouldn't think about Santa, yet alone picture him in a red suit if Coca Cola never formulated the idea back in 1931. Yeah that's right, the fat man we know as Santa is actually a retired sales man named Lou Prentice (the original model for the 'coca cola santa clause'). If it were not for Coca Cola, we wouldn't use red and green for color schemes as christmas decorations. Come to think about it, Coca Cola invented 'christmas'.

It may seem a bit farfetched, but Coca cola tells you when the Christmas season begins. If that's the case, Christmas this year started at 9:10pm during the ad break of X-factor, saturday 14th November 2009.  You know what I'm talking about, the huge trucks driving through the village with excited kids looking outside windows with their grandparents...'holidays are coming'...Christmas has not started until Coca Cola tells you so.

But I am not so fussed about the Coca Cola adverts; as a matter of fact, I like them. What gets on my nerves is the total cheesiness that comes on television around this season. That would include annoying christmas carols, or those movies that end with the line 'don't worry...it's Christmas' followed by the cheesiest orchestrated soundtrack you have ever heard (I bet you can hear the Home alone Soundtrack right now). Fake smiles annoy me, and don't even get me started about that advert, like I'm interested in buying Hellmann's mayonnaise for christmas; make another advert.

The origins of Christmas differs but I guess the most annoying thing about this season is when you tell me 'merry Christmas' but have no clue what christmas is about. You talk about Christmas trees and decorations, Christmas number 1 hits, totally ignoring the fact that the word christmas has the word CHRIST in it. But a Christian is not allowed to say that because 'this season is for everyone'. That's why it is no longer politically correct to say 'christmas lights', but now you have to say 'winter lights' to be fair to other religions. Sounds like Christ is being X'd out.

Merry X-mas

If you ask me, X-mas is just another way for corporate business's to make more money; that's why it's not wiped completely off the map yet. But I'm still going to bare in mind what this season is really intended for.

Merry CHRISTmas

'Jesus is the reason for the season'

ZoOm

SNEAK PEEK: THE CAKE PROJECT

CAKE - ZOOM4YOU's debut Art Project. 

This book will be focusing on the media, and its influence on the public’s definition of beauty.

CAKE (referring to both edible cake and the excessive use of make-up) takes the reader on a number of journeys.

First, we have the SUPERMODEL - The girl who no-one notices who is turned into the glamorous Diva. This Girl is what we would call the 'publicly accepted' one.

Then we have those that go against the grain, those who do not rely on make-up and fashion magazines to showcase their beauty.

These are the CAKE GRADUATES.

ZoOm wants to delve into the lives of those who feel confident without make-up, those who go against what the media defines as 'beautiful' and those who enjoy who they truly are.

This photo-documentary requires a number of female models aged 16-23. These models need to be confident, fun and happy wearing no make-up*(see below)

ALL RACES are appreciated. This book aims to be as diverse as possible.

If you are interested or know someone who might be, contact me. My details are at the bottom of this page.

ZoOm’s ‘CAKE’ plans to start production by the beginning of 2010.

We can't wait to see your replies.

*Cocoa Butter is permitted.

I HATE MONDAYS: WINTER MISHAPS

I officially love college. I study at a place where all the residents in the area are predominantly old (or chronologically challenged). 

So anyway

Picture the scene

It was quite chilly today, actually, it was very chilly. I stepped out of sainsbury's with Magikal, just having purchased 39p pancakes (the poor mans dish). On our way to the train station, I saw a small lady shivering like crazy on her zimmer frame. Her back was hunched and she wasn't moving very fast. As I walked up to her, she paused for a second (I mean, what would you do if you saw two black people smiling as they walked up to you?...It's just not normal).

But all racism aside, there was something not right about this old lady. As I looked in her face I saw a long see-through object coming from her nose. The object was getting longer and longer. She went into her pockets to grab a tissue but her hand wasn't moving fast enough. I walked away, not baring to see what happened next. I hope she caught that bogey on time.

You know it's winter time when old people have strings of bogey hanging from their nose.

I must admit, I thought it was pretty funny.

Not because she was helpless, but because you allowed the bogey to hang that low before you did something about it.

I don't think me and Magikal was making situations better when we both cried out 'ERRRRRRRRR....DATS NASTY!' but it's just our reflexes.

I don't care how old you are.

You don't allow your bogey to hang low like that.

We love you old people though

ZoOm -x- 

I HATE MONDAYS: BRITISH COOKS

Slavery is never the subject to bring up when an awkward silence arises, but it's most definitely a subject that makes you wonder. 

British colonies held Africa under subjection, leaving them with immense amounts of resources - including things such as gold, sugar and herbs and spices to be used as seasoning. 

I guess it's safe to say that those resources were used pretty well. With the gold, England has proved to be one of the richest countries in the world, promising to be the 'land of opportunity'. England had never held back on the sugar coating either -  making it a land full of casualties when it comes to diabetes.

But then I suppose it brings me to that vital question. What happened to the seasoning? 

You know you are in England when your chicken is 'drizzled' with cranberry sauce.

Or when you have chicken smothered in tomato ketchup and called 'barbeque chicken'.

Or maybe when the chicken isn’t even washed at all.

Poor Chicken.

Human beings are blessed with the sense of taste

So why ignore the fact that the meat you just cooked tastes like nothing?

Almost like tangible air.

In saying that, I think the country caught on, because the words 'curry' and 'jerk' are being mentioned more and more on our cookery programmes. The nation is becoming more accepting of other cultural dishes. 

But at the end of the day, just because you have Reggae Reggae sauce, it does not mean you can cook West Indian food.

The Highleigh conference centre knew this. A few years ago, my Church would have a national youth conference deep down in the countryside once a year. From a young age, I grew up eating the chips, roast potatoes, and toast, never complaining. We stopped going to Highleigh conference centre for a while , eventually decided to go back roughly two years ago. As far as I’m concerned, the chefs must have changed, and not known who we were, because when we returned, they panicked.

'What are we going to cook for these black people?'

'Don't panic sweetheart. Stay calm.'

*silence*

*clicks fingers*

'I know! I have the perfect dish. Let us cook them rice and peas. They like that kind of stuff don't they !?'.

But boy where they wrong.

I looked on my plate to see rice and green peas.

...Pshh I wish!

They gave me rice and raisins.

They even had the cheek to put a leaf on the plate.

I'll just take the Bangers and Mash thank you.

ZoOm

I Actually like MONDAY today.

Hope you liked it.
ZoOm

I HATE MONDAYS: SWEET BOYS

An organisation I was once affiliated with, but later on handed in my notice when I realised how stupid we looked. You know what they are like. I remember once jumping on the 18 bus, and  saw a light skin brother with lip gloss on. What you doing with lip loss on bro? He had the swirly side-burns gelled to his face too.

It's extremely disgusting when you come across an overly sweet guy. They are super emotional, they pout their lips, and they have them hazy eyes.It's even worse when you catch their statuses on Facebook. 

Randy 'Sweetus' Sugadaddy:...is thinking about that special somebody...you know who you are...lol luv you bbz xx

WHAT IS THIS! 

I hate them ambiguous screenames, talking about subjects no-one really cares about, apart from you and that 'special some-one' - which by the way, we know who it is, because she says the same ambiguous jargon on her screennames. Talk on the phone, not on my Facebook Homepage.

It gets even more emotional when they quote RnB songs...but let's not get into that.

It's understandable if you're 13 and you're not too sure how to get girls, but when you're all in your twenties saying things like 'I WUV YOU' and saying 'tee hee' instead of of 'haha', it concerns people like me.

You're in university, soon becoming a man. You should be looking for a wife, not a wifey.

Take your lotioned six packs else where.

SNEAK PEEK: JAHNOI CRANSTON

Welcome all. Just wanted to show you a sneak peek of a series of photos I have been working on. Main Subject: JAHNOI CRANSTON. This guy has got some serious talent. I ain't gonna give away too much information about him, but I am going to that say that this is a face to look out for. You will be seeing him on this blog quite a bit.

Photography Taken by: Andre 'zoOm' Anderson

                                      (Facebook me)

I HATE MONDAYS: HALLOWEEN

My Children will never go trick or treating.

October 31st. A day where small kids dress up as ghosts and vampires, walking from door to door, asking for sweets and money. Maybe if you're older, you may do the same thing, but with a child beside you, just to justify yourself. If you're really in the sprit of things, you may carry with you some eggs and flower. Head to one of those Halloween parties, there is bound to be a George Bush look-a-like somewhere.


Growing up as a child, I was never allowed to go out trick or treating. When I asked why, my mother would reply 'you're christian'. This never made any sense to me at the time. Having a bag full of sweets and cash seemed to be a good idea. I couldn't see what the problem was until I got older and done my own research.


The idea of Halloween originated in Ireland (5th Century B.C). October 31st was initially the Celtic new year, a period where (they believed) the barricade between death and life was at its thinnest. In believing this, they where convinced that the dead would walk the earth on October 31st, looking for a living body to possess. To supposedly fool the evil spirits, the Celtics would dress up as ghosts and devils to frighten them away - and that is why we choose to wear costumes at Halloween.


Now I am not writing this to say that we are in danger of being possessed on Halloween day. No. But what are we telling our kids when we allow them to partake in an activity that promotes evil, witchcraft, and chaos. A child would not obviously think into the deepness of the matter, but we are not making situations better when we present to them devil horns and tell them 'put them on for tonight. This is acceptable'. We wonder why the generations grow worse and worse but still we advertise evil in our schools and in our homes. Just for one night. October 31st.


You don't have to agree
Just my thoughts
ZoOm

I HATE MONDAYS: DISNEY

The cheek of these people! 

How dare they play with my childhood like this! If you were born around the same time as me, you also would have been captivated by the motion picture which we call 'The Lion King'. The amazing story, unforgettable characters, powerful ballads...Epic stuff!

I was on my way home with some friends the other day, and we started to reminisce on our soon going childhood.We sang enough Disney songs until we reached the ones in The Lion King. When we reached Stanmore train station, for some reason, we started to guess what each character's nationality was. For example, you would have characters like Zazu (the bird) who had a strong British accent, and then you would have some-one like Pumbaa, who sounds like he just came from down-town chicago.

We eventually came to our senses and said 'the film is based in Africa..SO DUUUUH...they must all be African'. But no-one speaks in an african accent in that film, except for...

Then it hit me...

Why is it that out of all the animals, you chose the monkey to speak in an african accent...a monkey!

The cheek of these people...

More is to come about this

Stay locked

ZoOm

I HATE MONDAYS: CBBC

The Half term holiday of a seven year old. Some children enjoy their week in their local park, laughing the days away. Some parents take their children to the cinema to watch the latest Disney flick. What did my mother do for me in the Half Term? Send me to my Grandmother’s. Where the sound of the Bill Gather Quartet & Everly Brothers stream through the passage ways, and where everything has Vaseline randomly splashed on it. Do not get me wrong though, I loved every moment of it. In the mornings, I would pull out my Playstation and spend hours on Tekken 3, stuffing my face with ready salted Walkers crisps and banana ice lollies. As entertaining as the morning was, it would never compare to when the clocks reached:

3:30

We had CITV and CBBC, notorious for entertaining me throughout my childhood. I could probably recite to you the entire Pokemon theme song backwards. I even know CITV’s competition number.

090 11 10 50 10

(Oh nine Oh Double one Ten Fifty...TEN)

There was however, a particular point in my childhood where CBBC completely disrespected my exisistance. It was a cold,winter half term. I was sitting on my bed, feasting on my banana ice lollies, where the television presenter began to talk about a competition.

The challenge was to draw a plant that resembled a cartoon character (shown on CBBC). The presenters promised that they would show each entry on the television. By the end of the week, the most interesting plant was to get a prize (which must have been some videos or something). I immediately grabbed my pencil case and paper scraps. I skilfully drew my plant which was based on The Mask (I was a BIG Jim Carrey fan back then). Three hours later, laid before me was a complete masterpiece, which probably looked something like this:

I showed my mum and begged her to send it off to the BBC. First Class. The next day, I sat in front of my Television set, waiting for my picture to appear. I saw nearly hundreds of badly drawn pictures given compliments from the presenters. 'I wonder what they are going to say about mines them' I thought to myself 'I guess they are saving the best till last'. They never showed my picture that day.

I showed my mum and begged her to send it off to the BBC. First Class. The next day, I sat in front of my Television set, waiting for my picture to appear. I saw practically hundreds of badly drawn pictures given compliments from the presenters. 'I wonder what they are going to say about mine then.' I thought to myself 'I guess they are saving the best ‘till last'. They never showed my picture that day.


The next day, I sat in front of my television with slight impatience. CBBC ran as normal. Straight after Hey Arthur, came the part where they show more badly drawn pictures (excluding mine of course). A hundred more pictures are shown, and mine was nowhere to be seen. Then the presenter said it:

' We appreciate you sending in your drawings guys. We are now down to our last picture. This one is based on The Mask. I have it right here in my pocket [taps pocket]. Speaking of The mask... take a look at this....' [Fade Out]

They then showed an episode of The Mask. By this time, I wasn't feeling to watch any more cartoons; I just wanted to see my image on the screen...
But they never showed it.
And that is why I will always hate them.
My children are going to be watching Nickelodeon.


As I grow up, I still wonder why they never showed my drawing.
.Is it because I is black?
I seriously had no clue.
And I’m sure I only folded the paper once to make it fit into the envelope... How did it get in your pocket?
CBBC doesn’t like me...
So I don't like them.
But it’s okay, they can keep their Blue Peter badges.
SmART was a joke...I was watching Art Attack.
...And who REALLY cared about Newsround?
You get props for Live & kicking but...
I preferred SMTV Live.

CBBC gets shown NO love From me.

ZoOm

I HATE MONDAYS:NEW BARBERS

Rated PG: The following material may offend...but who cares right?

Guys you know how it goes sometimes...you step into the barbers, looking to get a fresh trim - an event is coming up and you need to look on point. Okay so your in the barbers now, look around and find out all your usual barbers are busy...yes peoples, today on I HATE MONDAYS, I am going to be talking about...

They come in two forms:

1. A frail skinny man/boy/teenager with cainrows..They might even have that barber coat (you know, that white long one) to assure you that they are fresh.

2. A white/ Arabian teenager (no disrespect to race) with a new era cap glued to his head...Ever so often answering his phone while cutting your hair. Talking to his 'gyal' when in actuality there is no-one on the other end of the line...It's T-Mobile - and no, she is not on a 'linking ting'.

I just can't afford to be butchered by these newbies. I refuse to sacrifice my shape-up to you, yet alone my money. Understand the seriousness of getting a shape-up wrong. You can get laughed at for a very long time; by friends, associates, even by your own mother (if its that bad). I have nothing against these new barbers, I just don't trust them.

The Barber & Me

Written by Andre Anderson

When you know a barber, you know a barber. You trust him with your life. He may cut you a couple of times, and the clippers maybe a bit too sharp, but it's okay....Because he is your Barber & you are his Baberette.

[No Homo]

You need to 'throw them lines' when your shaping up my head. The last time I got a shape up, this new kid was being all sensitive with my head piece - stroking my hairline with the clippers...like say this is some pampering session. You don't stoke ones head piece with clippers, do you know what that can do to your head?

Allow me to explain

New barbers have what we call a 23 degree touchdown. The Technique is explained in this diagram.

The barber slowly moves his clippers in a 23 degree angle to obtain the desired effect.

This seems to be a craze amongst new barbers, seeing that it has been used by all the new barbers I have come across. All I have to say is, if you visit your local barbers and see an unfamiliar face, no matter what you ask for, be sure that they are going to throw in a 23 degree touchdown as a bonus.

I have nothing against you guys, but I would like it if you practice at home before you experimented on my head. Shave your Cat or something...I don't know, practice on your your grandpups whiles he's watching Countdown. Please just practice, because what you are doing to my head-line is violating my Human Rights. It won't be long before every man in London has a shape-up like this:

...Not my head piece

ZoOm

National Poetry Day - No Vacancies

If you were not aware..I would like to inform you that it is NATIONAL POETRY DAY today!

It is the time when people take time out to...say poems I guess...

So i did just that

I write this one a while ago..

I hold it dear to my heart and I meant every word

This poem is called

NO VACANCIES

Do you have any vacancies?

Do you have any space for a jobless person like me?

Maybe I smiled for too long or I was too quick to pull out a CV

But I feel you are not telling the Gospel truth when you say 'no more vacancies'

Especially when I see four empty tills right next to you

'Apply online' she said.

'Call this number' she said.

It all draws out the process of me getting into the position that you’re in.

I know you do not want my CV

I know this because you have had this job for 5 months now

So that gives me five months extra to write better material than the little white lies you splashed on your page..

You lie.

I know you lie.

I know this because I am pretty sure you mentioned something along the lines of

“I am a considerate and helpful person”

Whether it was on your CV or at the interview

I proved your one page Fib nib wrong when I asked for vacancies and you said “no”

If you were THAT considerate, you could have at least taken my CV and tell your manager that there is a person that can fill ONE of those FOUR empty tills

Or hey, you can give me your job, 

'generous person'

Because you weren't being too 'sociable' with your 'yes and no' answers and dismissive attitude. 

Picking clothes up from a rack and slamming it down on a till as if you’re not getting paid just to stand there.

You seem upset?

Where is that jolly person you wrote about in your CV, you happy person?

I swiped my oyster twice, taking away £1.75 just to come here

And you with your inconsiderate attitude

Not considering that I have spent money (with no job) to get here

Have now declined my offer. 

This I find highly insulting.

So what I am going to do is walk out the shop,

walk back in 

and ask you politely...

“Do you have any vacancies?”

I HATE MONDAYS: SCHOOL KIDS PART 3

Children do the funniest things!

‘Oww! Charlie bit me!’. What a memorable catchphrase, it’s cute right? What about a little toddler rocking a black bandanna with sagging jeans reciting 2Pac lyrics; pretty sweet huh? Oh…I got one! How about a fully grown woman whining on a small child?...These kids are so cute…they do the cutest things!

The last blog ended with a question ‘where are our elders?’. Maybe I am just an old man trapped in a seventeen year olds body, but my idea on ‘adulthood’ was growing up, with occasional words of wisdom from those looking over you, whether it be a father, a mother, older brother or sister. Generations come and go, leaving something remarkable behind, but one had seemed to arise, having nothing to offer.

 Fathers are not present in the homes and mothers are too busy dealing with their own issues that the life of the child goes unnoticed. The child, being full of wonder, has questions to why they are here, trying to find out their purpose on this earth. The mother looks at her son, and does not see that innocent child full of wonder, but just another fully grown adult, capable of accepting the issues and struggles of adulthood.

This is the exact reason why you would see videos posted of small children whining on each other, spreading like wild fire via Facebook…we laugh at it…we enjoy it, not realising that videos of small children whining on each other is verging to child porn, and enjoying it is borderline paedophilia…or did I take it too far?

The innocence of a child is robbed for the sake of entertainment. A so called ‘proud mother’ shows pride by showing her work colleagues, clips of her son smoking cigarettes…What’s going on? Children are exposed to the issues of life through television, the internet, even in their own homes…

Now we have adults aged 11

That’s why knifes are brought to primary schools, underage sex and teenage pregnancy. The children cannot be helped when the parents are lost themselves. What is going to happen to the next generations? How do we stop this vicious cycle? Because it’s frightening when you look in the eyes of a 5 year old, having nothing to say to them - no fairy tales, no fables about the tooth fairy or Santa clause; because they are officially adults and have grown out that stage, probably going through the same thing as you.

I HATE SCHOOLKIDS…Hmm not really, because you can never really be angry in the behaviour or a child (they only demonstrate what is exposed to them)…I am just sick of the lack of leadership we have in our homes today.

Where have the elders gone?

…we want our parents back!

I HATE MONDAYS: SCHOOL KIDS PART 2

I remember walking to Stonebridge park station everyday when I was still in high school. Early in the morning, on my way there, I would always see this boy (very small, no taller than my bathtub) walking past me in a strop. I would see him from afar- his tiny legs developing a 'bop'. Music was blazing through his mobile phone (I guess his mother couldn't afford ear-plugs). He would walk past me with the dirtiest look on his face (in which I call the 'Screwface'). His eyes would be fixed on me - I would be on my way to an exam, while he would be on his way to primary school.

This miss-hap would also happen in the afternoon when I am walking back from school with a friend. You could hear the child's music from a mile off. The child would walk past us both, forcefully staring in our eyes. This happened a good couple of times until my exams where over and I needed not to go High school anymore.

And I know what your thinking:

This writer is a punk!

But I must reinforce the fact that I could of easily dropped kick the child and told him to calm himself down, or I could have picked him up and post him on a letterbox, so the results would be fatal if he attempted to jump off...but I resisted. I resisted because it's not necessarily the child that has got it wrong, but his whole generation...and trying to correct a whole generation while still maintaining your own blog is hard work, so I'll give it a pass. But staying on the topic of 'new generations', I have noticed that the children get worse as the years go by, or maybe I just become more vigilant as I grow up.

On my 17th Birthday, my big cousin said to me 'this is the last year of your youth...enjoy it'. And then it hit me, the nail on the head, I am still a child. So many years of my childhood where thrown away because I thought I was a big man, still asking my mum for lunch money. I know the younger ones want to be more independent, but when a five year old walks up to me saying 'wah gwarn', it gets me slightly annoyed.

'Doth not the young ones know that I shall smite them upon the road side if thou wouldest act unruly?'

-The complete works of Dr. Zoomah Ranks [1842]

What happened to 'respect your elders'? Or even worse...where are our elders?

I might have to conclude with a Part 3 on this

Stay tuned

ZoOm